09/27/20 — lessons from the pit

What does it mean to be a great man? I’ve struggled with this, because I thought I was, at the very least, a good one. Yet it seems that the slight against my character has turned me colder, into a state of noncaring.

My emotions were tempestuous for a long time, now I can’t expend the
energy to care for long. Something as routine as picking up a pen proves
difficult, almost herculean, in the face of such a lack of motivation.

Yet, I count myself among the blessed. I was sad for only a short amount of time, and the fact that I’m picking up the pen again brings me hope. It helps that my friends have confessed that they missed my writing. I don’t have much direction for this, at least not anymore. More importantly, I will not be struggling and striving to regain it. I will move at the pace I want to move instead of being moved.

The seduction of desire has brought me to this point. I foolishly thought that if I read, and worked, and changed myself that I would finally be happy, and others would be happy with me. Instead, I only placed an undue burden on myself, and I ceased to be able to please anyone. The ones I loved and respected called me a child and my good intentions were washed away, I too with them.

Yet detaching myself from striving and doing what I want to do has taught me
much. I’ve learned that good intentions are meaningless unless good action is
coupled with it. I learned that you touch people in ways you will never know, and the ripples you make in the water spread farther than you think. Thank you, Sarah, and Antonette, for teaching me that my writing does not fall unto deaf ears and that this passion of mine is not only worthwhile but necessary.

Lastly, I learned to always cultivate a relationship with self-first. That means
putting yourself first and being selfish with your energy. There is only self-
destruction in giving yourself to everyone and leaving nothing for yourself. This also means learning not to feed your inner critic or allow others to feed it for you. They do not see your best attempts, but you do. Do not let others talk down on you. Give yourself the same grace you give everyone else and watch how much better your life becomes because of it.

I have grappled with all of these and mastered none. Yet every time I make
progress, I feel better.

Love yourself and love each other.